Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
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Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”