Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BlindChow's best tweets

@BlindChow : singer at concert: *says name of city we're in* me: that's the name of the city we're in! friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

@BlindChow: WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can't be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he's right

@BlindChow: One plain pizza plz
"Ok, one cheese pizza"
No cheese
"Um ok, sauce only"
No sauce
"But that's just crust"
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

@BlindChow: [football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

@BlindChow: [performance review]
boss: from now on you're getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn't mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

@BlindChow: [crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

@BlindChow: The remote isn't working! And the TV's stuck on Food Network again!
"Are you in the kitchen?"
"Honey, that's the microwave."

@BlindChow: "I want to put a baby in you," I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

@BlindChow: friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder