@BlindChow: WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can't be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he's right
@BlindChow: One plain pizza plz
"Ok, one cheese pizza"
"Um ok, sauce only"
"But that's just crust"
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
@BlindChow: [football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
@BlindChow: [performance review]
boss: from now on you're getting supervision
boss: wait, that doesn't mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
@BlindChow: [crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
@BlindChow: The remote isn't working! And the TV's stuck on Food Network again!
"Are you in the kitchen?"
"Honey, that's the microwave."
@BlindChow: "I want to put a baby in you," I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
@BlindChow: friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder