Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BlindChow's best tweets

@BlindChow : [performance review] boss: from now on you're getting supervision me: yes!! boss: wait, that doesn't mean– me: *already smashing my glasses*

@BlindChow: [crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

@BlindChow: The remote isn't working! And the TV's stuck on Food Network again!
"Are you in the kitchen?"
Yes.
"Honey, that's the microwave."

@BlindChow: "I want to put a baby in you," I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

@BlindChow: friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

@BlindChow: *uses Oujia board*

SMELLS LIKE UPDOG

me: what's updog?

NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT

me: what

cat: what

@BlindChow: *interrogating cat*
Admit it! You're a Communist!
"Meow"
A no-good red!
"Meow"
Tough guy eh?
"Meow"
We can do this all night.
"Mao"
You–wait

@BlindChow: [takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

@BlindChow: *tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn't look like an idiot*