Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BlondAmbitionTO's best tweets

@BlondAmbitionTO : I hate when people call and say they're 10 minutes away for a "drop-by surprise visit" and I have to set fire to my house.

@BlondAmbitionTO: When I die, before I'm cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

@BlondAmbitionTO: I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in "The Shining."

@BlondAmbitionTO: "Weight Watchers" because "Obesity Observers" was too cerebral.

@BlondAmbitionTO: I wonder if serial killers watch Criminal Minds like chefs watch the Food Network: "Oh, bad move, I'd have done it this way..."

@BlondAmbitionTO: Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?

@BlondAmbitionTO: Grammar is:
1. How we structure our sentences.
2. Grandpa's wife.

Some of you will pick number two.

@BlondAmbitionTO: If you say "anyways" instead of "anyway," that's alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

@BlondAmbitionTO: A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU'RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.