BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
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[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Cow it started Cow it’s going
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
That’s it.I’m out.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
$4 #usedbooks