The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
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Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos