Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
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when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Before & after 😅
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important