Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Bluestmoon_'s best tweets

@Bluestmoon_ : *Washes off eyeliner* Ok, weigh me now.

@Bluestmoon_: 78% of parenting is spent anxiously praying they don't notice the minuscule lego piece you just vacuumed up.

@Bluestmoon_: Luckily, children are much easier to keep alive than house plants.

@Bluestmoon_: Sorry I asked "why?" when you told me your baby's name.

@Bluestmoon_: When someone shows you they don't want to be a part of your life, let them go.

I'm not saying you can't make a voodoo doll of them, though.

@Bluestmoon_: I don't mean to brag, but I'm in my 30's and my bank account makes me look 21.

@Bluestmoon_: *Deletes 34 unheard voicemail messages from phone.

*Adds "extremely organized" to resume.

@Bluestmoon_: My neighbors wifi isn't working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?

@Bluestmoon_: How to make microwave popcorn:
2 minutes 27 seconds-half bag popped.
2 minutes 29 seconds-MICROWAVE ON FIRE.

@Bluestmoon_: NEVER date someone that works for your cell phone provider.

You're welcome.