*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
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I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Thank you corporation very cool
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once