Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
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i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.