My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
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Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
God has left this place
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people