@BobTheSuit: My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
@BobTheSuit: Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I've been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won't let me open my silverware drawer.
@BobTheSuit: 911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
@BobTheSuit: Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
@BobTheSuit: Causes of childhood anxiety:
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
@BobTheSuit: I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
@BobTheSuit: Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I'm riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
@BobTheSuit: Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
@BobTheSuit: I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.