Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Bob_Heller's best tweets

@Bob_Heller : Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency. And sorry about your neck hole.

@Bob_Heller: I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

@Bob_Heller: Don't call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

@Bob_Heller: Is your girlfriend wife material? I'm building a giant wife.

@Bob_Heller: "May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?"

"Um, there's no such thing."

"There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!"

@Bob_Heller: Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

@Bob_Heller: Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

@Bob_Heller: I know it's fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

@Bob_Heller: Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old's birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

@Bob_Heller: Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I'm flattered...but straight.