Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not