Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
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I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I need this for my side hustle.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN