wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
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I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
new record!
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage