If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
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My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?