Funny Tweeter

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Page of BonaFideIntent's best tweets

@BonaFideIntent : HR: Me: HR: Me: HR:..87. Karen has lost 87 PERCENT VISION.. Me: HR: Me:..she looked at my cheese stick.. HR: Me: HR: Me: *eats cheese stick*

@BonaFideIntent: HR:
Me:
HR:
Me:
HR: "..16. 16 STAPLES in Diane's forehead..."
Me:
HR:
Me: "..it was the last twizzler"
HR:
Me:
HR:
Me: *eats twizzler*

@BonaFideIntent: Me: I won't be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

@BonaFideIntent: Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

"Trees. LOL."
"I was born once. Pickles."
"Spice Girls"
"Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one."

@BonaFideIntent: I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.

@BonaFideIntent: Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

@BonaFideIntent: Daily 'Facts About CHEESE'

Fact About Cheese #3:
"String Cheese. Is not made of string."

@BonaFideIntent: I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

@BonaFideIntent: Me: I HAD A VISION! I was a GARDEN GNOME & I was ridding a FLAMINGO & the FAIRIES sprinkled cocaine on me & I FLIED!!

My Therapist: .....

@BonaFideIntent: Me: LARGE FRY!

McDonald's Manager: Ma'am, you can't use the drive-thru riding a stick pony. Please leave NOW

Me: I WILL CUT YOU!

*sirens*