Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
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Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?