My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
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Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up