Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BoogTweets's best tweets

@BoogTweets : [being stopped by the cops] Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool My new best friend: *clicky noises* Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

@BoogTweets: Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA...

@BoogTweets: My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

@BoogTweets: Horse: *screaming*

Trojan: no, we’re going in the wooden one

Me: oh

@BoogTweets: God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

@BoogTweets: Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*

[hours later]

Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL

@BoogTweets: Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

@BoogTweets: Might get a face tattoo that says: make good choices

@BoogTweets: Want to feel old? Touch my grandpa, five bucks each. No weirdos

@BoogTweets: Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine