Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BoogTweets's best tweets

@BoogTweets : Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed ;) Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

@BoogTweets: Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

@BoogTweets: I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

@BoogTweets: [being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

@BoogTweets: Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly


Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA...

@BoogTweets: My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

@BoogTweets: Horse: *screaming*

Trojan: no, we’re going in the wooden one

Me: oh

@BoogTweets: God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

@BoogTweets: Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*

[hours later]

Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL

@BoogTweets: Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol