Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BoogTweets's best tweets

@BoogTweets : Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*

@BoogTweets: (Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

@BoogTweets: Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

@BoogTweets: If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

@BoogTweets: Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

@BoogTweets: Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he's only twenty.

@BoogTweets: Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I'm leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

@BoogTweets: Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

@BoogTweets: Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I'm serious, it's just for crows.

@BoogTweets: Mom: Your son still won't do his laundry. Talk to him
Dad: I'm not going in there
Mom: Why
Dad: Last week I stubbed my toe on 1 of his socks