Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
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What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus