Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BoogTweets's best tweets

@BoogTweets : Date: you know that was just a filter, right? Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

@BoogTweets: Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

@BoogTweets: Me: if I'm not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you're not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

@BoogTweets: Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

@BoogTweets: Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

@BoogTweets: [first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

@BoogTweets: Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL

@BoogTweets: [hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

@BoogTweets: Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

@BoogTweets: [at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA