Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Book_Krazy's best tweets

@Book_Krazy : [on my deathbed] Me: Where...*cough* where is your father? Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends. Me: I'M UP!!!

@Book_Krazy: No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I'll just have a panic attack.

@Book_Krazy: [War Museum]

Cop: Ma'am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

@Book_Krazy: [1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word "share" as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

@Book_Krazy: *A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

@Book_Krazy: [Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I'll take it.

@Book_Krazy: "I Got a new dress for date night!"

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

"This is the garment bag you idiot"

@Book_Krazy: Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

@Book_Krazy: Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone's gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don't make the rules Karen

@Book_Krazy: Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what