The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
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You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.