Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of BoomBoomBetty's best tweets

@BoomBoomBetty : [gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

@BoomBoomBetty: Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

@BoomBoomBetty: E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

@BoomBoomBetty: Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

@BoomBoomBetty: [calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

@BoomBoomBetty: Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

@BoomBoomBetty: Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

@BoomBoomBetty: But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

@BoomBoomBetty: I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

@BoomBoomBetty: Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.