Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BoomBoomBetty's best tweets

@BoomBoomBetty : The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

@BoomBoomBetty: Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

@BoomBoomBetty: Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

@BoomBoomBetty: [at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

@BoomBoomBetty: [first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air...it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.

@BoomBoomBetty: [a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

@BoomBoomBetty: My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

@BoomBoomBetty: “Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

@BoomBoomBetty: One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.

@BoomBoomBetty: If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend