Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BoomBoomBetty's best tweets

@BoomBoomBetty : Me, yelling my head off every day. 14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you. Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom. 14 yo: Pizza’s here.

@BoomBoomBetty: Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

@BoomBoomBetty: On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

@BoomBoomBetty: [walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

@BoomBoomBetty: H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

@BoomBoomBetty: It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

@BoomBoomBetty: [walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

@BoomBoomBetty: Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

@BoomBoomBetty: *reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

@BoomBoomBetty: I don't need armpits that smell like fruit salad or "sexy intrigue". I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.