Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BoomBoomBetty's best tweets

@BoomBoomBetty : You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

@BoomBoomBetty: Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.

@BoomBoomBetty: The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

@BoomBoomBetty: Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

@BoomBoomBetty: [In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee--
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

@BoomBoomBetty: If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

@BoomBoomBetty: Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

@BoomBoomBetty: If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

@BoomBoomBetty: I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

@BoomBoomBetty: A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.