Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BoomBoomBetty's best tweets

@BoomBoomBetty : I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

@BoomBoomBetty: [hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

@BoomBoomBetty: [watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

@BoomBoomBetty: Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

@BoomBoomBetty: [Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

@BoomBoomBetty: Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: ...
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

@BoomBoomBetty: I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

@BoomBoomBetty: [raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

@BoomBoomBetty: [giving wedding toast for my cousin]

...and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

@BoomBoomBetty: My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house