Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BoomBoomBetty's best tweets

@BoomBoomBetty : Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

@BoomBoomBetty: “LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

@BoomBoomBetty: Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

@BoomBoomBetty: [falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

@BoomBoomBetty: [after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

@BoomBoomBetty: [Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a...landline phone.

*crowd gasps

@BoomBoomBetty: I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

@BoomBoomBetty: [seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

@BoomBoomBetty: A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

@BoomBoomBetty: Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.