@BoomBoomBetty: “LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
@BoomBoomBetty: Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
@BoomBoomBetty: [falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
@BoomBoomBetty: [after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
@BoomBoomBetty: [Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a...landline phone.
@BoomBoomBetty: I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
@BoomBoomBetty: [seductively takes off mom jeans]
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
@BoomBoomBetty: A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
@BoomBoomBetty: Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.