Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BoomBoomBetty's best tweets

@BoomBoomBetty : [Millennial Antiques Roadshow] Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a...landline phone. *crowd gasps

@BoomBoomBetty: I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

@BoomBoomBetty: [seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

@BoomBoomBetty: A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

@BoomBoomBetty: Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

@BoomBoomBetty: The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

@BoomBoomBetty: Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

@BoomBoomBetty: Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

@BoomBoomBetty: [at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

@BoomBoomBetty: [first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air...it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.