@BoomBoomBetty: [watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
@BoomBoomBetty: Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
@BoomBoomBetty: [Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]
Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
@BoomBoomBetty: Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
@BoomBoomBetty: I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
@BoomBoomBetty: [raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
@BoomBoomBetty: [giving wedding toast for my cousin]
...and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
@BoomBoomBetty: My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house