Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
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interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Me as a therapist: omg same
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.