Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
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If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
How funny!
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold