Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
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The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I feel it
meanwhile over on facebook
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me