Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
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I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”