All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
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Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.