hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
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[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
@ candidates for local office
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.