English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
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him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon