spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
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First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
me after eating Cheetos
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.