I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.