Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
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[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..