No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
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wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
And that about sums it up.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.