Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
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This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
When your man makes a valid point