if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
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My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’