Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Bownuggets's best tweets

@Bownuggets : Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

@Bownuggets: Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince's eyes follow u across the room

@Bownuggets: Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it's "disturbing" & I "need to leave yoga," or "at least wait til I'm off the treadmill"

@Bownuggets: HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

@Bownuggets: Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
"I ran into a door"

@Bownuggets: Some say I've "gone off the rails," or "left the reservation," or "screwed the pooch," or "mixed my metaphors," or "launched the hot dog"

@Bownuggets: DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

@Bownuggets: In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

@Bownuggets: Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs

@Bownuggets: I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand