Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
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Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it