Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
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ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
We need more people like this.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me: