I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
You Might Also Like
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion