FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
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If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.