Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BrainFumbles's best tweets

@BrainFumbles : Cop: Know why I pulled u over? Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?! Cop: Settle down sir Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions] Cop: ...

@BrainFumbles: "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the tru-"
I choose dare, your honor
"Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant"

@BrainFumbles: [throws dirty diaper away]
- OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
- it's gross im not touching that
- GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
- ugh, fine

@BrainFumbles: How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She's yours now, plus you have a new car.

@BrainFumbles: I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

@BrainFumbles: They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn't land on her feet and now I'm in jail for murder.