Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
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mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
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Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.