Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Brampersandon_'s best tweets

@Brampersandon_ : [ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe [GF]: oh how romantic [SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA- [GF]: omg yes i wi- [ME]: wait keep watching [SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

@Brampersandon_: [driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

@Brampersandon_: [date]
ME: ill have the fish & chips
MERMAID: are u serious?
ME: what
MERMAID: *tries to storm off but ends up just flopping around a bit*

@Brampersandon_: ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

@Brampersandon_: COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must've been a fun weekend haha

ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

@Brampersandon_: OCTOPUS: *places tentacle on Bible*
JUDGE: Do u swear to tell the truth?
O: Yes
BAILIFF: *spends like 8 minutes trying to get Bible unstuck*

@Brampersandon_: [PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I'm such a smart shopper.

@Brampersandon_: [being a caddy at the masters]
GOLFER: *crouched down lining up his putt*
ME (whispering in his ear): whatcha lookin at? a bug?

@Brampersandon_: [two guys watching me in a surveillance van]
Guy: i think im gonna be sick
Other guy: he seriously just ate an entire stick of deodorant

@Brampersandon_: PAPA JOHNS EMPLOYEE: what can I get you
ME: I'll take a large *forgetting the word pizza* cheese frisbee