Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Brampersandon_'s best tweets

@Brampersandon_ : ME: *packing my bags* WIFE: let's talk about this ME (still mad she didn't get the cereal with the toy inside): theres nothing to talk about

@Brampersandon_: GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!

ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something

@Brampersandon_: Wife: You're so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn't see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

@Brampersandon_: I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can't see this but I'm totally doing the worm

@Brampersandon_: COWORKER: u got like 8 hickeys. Mustve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

@Brampersandon_: BAD GUY (hiding in my back seat): *strangling me to death*

ME: *choking but still embarrassed he heard me singing that shania twain song*

@Brampersandon_: JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

@Brampersandon_: ME: when I was 12 I got the flu so bad I had to be in the hospital

GUY WHO TRIES TO ONE-UP EVERY STORY: oh yeah? when I was 13 I died

@Brampersandon_: When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise - it's a nacho bar inside

@Brampersandon_: [quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*