Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Brampersandon_'s best tweets

@Brampersandon_ : COWORKER: u got like 8 hickeys. Mustve been a fun weekend haha ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

@Brampersandon_: BAD GUY (hiding in my back seat): *strangling me to death*

ME: *choking but still embarrassed he heard me singing that shania twain song*

@Brampersandon_: JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

@Brampersandon_: ME: when I was 12 I got the flu so bad I had to be in the hospital

GUY WHO TRIES TO ONE-UP EVERY STORY: oh yeah? when I was 13 I died

@Brampersandon_: When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise - it's a nacho bar inside

@Brampersandon_: [quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

@Brampersandon_: ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME (inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk): I thought u'd never ask

@Brampersandon_: DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

@Brampersandon_: [Me]: "I have hat-like reflexes"

[You]: Don't you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* "Nope"

@Brampersandon_: [doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I'll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can't wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*