Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
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From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Covid like
Genius idea!!
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
This cat wants you to take your pills
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge