The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
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We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news