Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BrassBallsCJ's best tweets

@BrassBallsCJ : 6: What are you making? It smells terrible! Me: *literally just boiling water*

@BrassBallsCJ: Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

@BrassBallsCJ: Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

@BrassBallsCJ: At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

@BrassBallsCJ: All these girls tweeting about going braless & I'm just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

@BrassBallsCJ: Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

@BrassBallsCJ: My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing... not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

@BrassBallsCJ: I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

@BrassBallsCJ: Friend: I'm just not sure if she's into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I'd say that's a hard no.

@BrassBallsCJ: How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this...

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I'm running late.