[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
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I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
*pronounces patio like ratio
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.