If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
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Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so