Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
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How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Who says great literature is dead?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore