A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
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Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”