Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
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[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food