“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
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What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Basketball
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
cyclists
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Introverted vegans go meetless
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
No chill.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
peak technology